I had been thinking a lot. As much as we all grieve for Chester's passing, a part of me refused to have the acceptance that Chester's isn't around anymore. In my timezone right now, it has been 2 weeks since the news broke out to me. On July 21st morning, the friends who knew me, got the news constantly messaging me to tell me about the news. When I woke up that day, upon looking at the messages received, I frowned and I felt like I had anxiety attack as I couldn't breathe with the news. I couldn't believed to what I was reading.
Weeks before this news broke to me, I had been in a depressed mode. Home was not like a home to me. Another disappointment hit into my life that I couldn't believe and could not do anything about it as it was a secret that I knew but just could not confront it.
I was depressed for weeks. Coming to a home where love no longer exists and it sucked to be the one knowing yet you just couldn't do anything about it. Time passes, they say time heals but time actually worsen things when you did nothing - and time did that to me. It did me so much thoughts especially when you're alone. I didn't know that I was depressed until I see the signs.
Linkin Park had been my medicine. I realised that, no matter where I am. Or where in life I was doing, surviving - Linkin Park holds a special, damn special place in my heart. A memorial tribute has been made which I attended and I told myself that it would be a closure for to accept Chester's passing.
But I couldn't. I felt like I am back to square one yet again, the feeling of denying that Chester is no longer around anymore.
Until today, I found a thread on stages of grief (https://forum.linkinpark.com/t/which-stage-of-grief/32809/49) - I openly admitted that I was on stage 4 but I kept on going back to stage 1. I could not move yet, another step. But I try. I want to move on as much as everyone, I am sure struggling moving on to where we could finally accept that Chester is no longer with us but he will always be in our thoughts, mind, heart and in our soul.
I still cry for him, every time I thought of Linkin Park's existence. I reminiscise the old past.
Remembering the time when I was 16, I 'fangirl' with my cousin (and happened to adore LP together) about them. How we stayed up the entire night creating arts together because of them - all the good times that Linkin Park has brought my cousin bonded closer up to the point where she was finally in relationship, I became alone again. Now, it didn't matter if I am alone or not as at that point of time, my love for Linkin Park tripled many times better and I really, really looked up to them so much.
I grew up. My playlist was constantly the entire albums of LP. Listen in the morning to school, during class while working and going back home. On repeat every single day. I never got tired of it. Looking at as a fan point of view, people around me would judge and constantly nagging if there's any other songs that I listened to and what nots. You see, Linkin Park songs made with a quality that people constantly relates in any part of situations/problems it helps us understand that the problems we faced, we aren't alone at all.
4/8/17 - Chester came into my dreams :'(
You came into my dreams to tell me that you're alright. You're safe on the other side. Some people say dreams are of the devils play. But I find it so surreal that I missed you so much. I saw your smile, when you saw the lyrics I wrote. You sang it playfully with passion and your wife stood beside me, looking at you singing. We were not anywhere beside you but we were watching you. Oh God, Chester I missed you so so much. I know you're there, free.
You tell me so much with just a smile on your face in my dreams.
I woke up with a strange feeling. I woke up feeling a little different. I guess within just a day I felt like I had been moving to another stage? Am I accepting that you're gone, Chester? Am I leaving the point where I don't grieve you no more but perhaps reminicising the good times, instead? Is this the next step for me? I should be happy to take the next step yet I am afraid. But I deserve to be happy, isn't it Chester? I, and other millions of fans around the world, deserves to be happy. That was what your smile at the end of the dream meant.
(The moment I received Kerrang! magazine in my hands, I opened with an open heavy heart this was my thoughts when I saw quotes, quotes by him, said by him.)
I.. can't read this. But I have to. You have redefine everything. And everything you said is quoted. The denial in me is so strong. I have no one to feel the emotions in this broken heart. I am annoying to some of my friends as I kept on saying how much I missed this man. To grieve someone who is not my kin, not by blood, not by ties. The pain is real when tears couldn't fall. Time is my medicine. But how much more pain should I endure to understand that I've lost you forever? How can I really tell myself to remember the good things that we've connected through your music? And met you even for seconds? I REMEMBER YOU CHESTER. YOU ARE SO HUMBLE IN MANY WAYS. PEOPLE KEPT ON SAYING HOW MUCH A 'DIVA' YOU AND LP WERE BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE BECAUSE WE KNOW, WE'VE CONNECTED THROUGH OUR SOULS.
It comes to today.
2 days a break from social media. I tried to live my life as it is. I knew that a part of me had gone missing. A friend of mine asked me to cry, released, let my feelings out but I couldn't. I couldn't even shed a tear. The tear won't fall even though my heart was breaking. Till today, I couldn't find the solace to think about Chester to think about him and cry out. Even as I typed this out, tears were stinging at the corner of my eyes but I couldn't cry out.
Eventually, I would. But not today, maybe not any other days or maybe tonight I would finally find the courage to cry for him. To let the tears out. My social media on facebook, twitter, instagram are often about him since his passing. People would get tired of me, trying not getting over it - this is what I feel.
I have to stay strong and positive for other members.
Currently, I have no where to turn to but here. Stay strong LP family. Stay strong LP Soldiers.