My father was in the navy n my mother was very young. I was their second child being born into an already crumbling marriage. My father was very abusive verbally physically an emotionally. The day I was born should have been a happy day but for my father it was very disappointing when he learn that the drs were wrong an I wasn’t the boy he always wanted. I remember being told by family members that my father took one look at me an said “not another fucking cunt” then he proceeded to walk out of the hospital an didn’t come back till the day my mother and I were released. Fast forward a year an some odd months later my mother finally gave birth to my brother the golden child the son my father always wanted. My mother being so young and naïve n many years of abuse her self thought that things would get better now but sadly they only got worse. I remember my father starting off only abusing my mom he would make us kids goto our room n lock the door while we heard screams of pain and fear coming from our mom. As a child it was truly frighting and being
so helpless my older sister would sit there holding us telling us everything would be ok. When we were finally able to come out of our room I remember walking into the kitchen as my mother tried to clean up her own blood off the floor so us kids wouldn’t see it. I clearly remember the day my father first put his hands on one of us kids. It always started out with spanking us with his hand then it turned into belts wooden spoons anything he could get his hands on. Then one day my mom finally had enough the day he hurt my brother He was about two years old he was very sick and crying wanting my moms attention but my mom was on the phone trying to talk to the dr she had asked my dad to take him out the room so she could hear. My dad grabbed my brother by the back of his shirt and pants an threw him into his room he flew over his bed and landed face first on the air vent split his lip and broke his nose. My mom called the cops and had my dad arrested. She called my grandparents to come get us and the very next day we moved in. Thinking that was going to be a better safer place for us. Sadly she was very wrong. About the time I started kindergarten my mom was at work I’d get off the bus and my oldest male cousin would be in charge getting me off the bus and keeping an eye on my till my grandmother would get home. That’s when the sexual abuse started. At first it was here n there with inappropriate touches n kisses then as I got older it lead to more. It lead to him bringing friends over n letting them do very awful things to me. As a very young child I didn’t know any better and was told not to tell cause they wouldn’t believe me anyways an if i told things would get worse for me. I stayed quiet for a long time. Finally that cousin moved away an I thought I was safe. I told my mom what had happen and sadly she didn’t believe me. In the mist of all this my mother had been jumping from one guy to another constantly leaving us kids alone with my grandparents an other members of the family. In the second grade my mom met a very nice loving man and she married him we moved and I honestly thought things were going to look up n get better I was so wrong. That is when things got worse for me I stared getting bullied at school and tormented for being the fat kid. My mother had started her verbal an emotional abuse towards me at this time to. I remember being about 8 yrs old standing in my bedroom closet crying and telling my self i was better off dead. So I began to tie the rope begging for a sign a reason to stay alive. As I was starting to lose Conscience The bar broke and the rope let go I laid on my floor gasping for air. I was alive but why was I still sad hurt and angry. That wouldn’t be the last time I attempted suicide. Sadly that marriage only lasted about 4 years it left my mother very depressed n suicidal. We moved back with my grandparents. One night I heard my mom crying and saying she wanted to die just let me die. I ran to her aid as she grabbed a knife from the kitchen locked her self in the bathroom an banged her head against the wall till she finally passed out. This wasn’t the first or last time I watched my mom harm her self. She had swallowed pills in the past an we had to call 911 to come get her. After the divorce she began to date a lot guys again in an out of relationships one man she was with forced her to drop all three of us kids off at our aunts house to live simply because he didn’t want young children in his house. Unfortunately that aunt we lived with was the aunt who’s son was sexually abusing me as a child an my mother knew it. We lived with her for almost a year an the abuse had started again. It was at this time I learn that I wasn’t the only one he had been abusing my older sister and a foster daughter my aunt was taking care of. One day my mom pulled us from school an told us we were moving back with our grandparents honestly was happy but sad at the same time cause I knew that meant I was going to be bullied again cause the school I would be going to was filled with very rich families an we were far from that. About the time I was entering high school my mom met a guy an we moved yet again. My sister refused to go and stayed with my grandparents till she finish high school .He seemed very nice at first and for awhile he was. Then he became very verbally abusive towards all of us. My mom had always been very abusive mainly towards me cause she knew I was different and knew she could manipulate me an used me to get out her anger. So with that being said I had attempted suicide a few other times due to being so depressed I had no self confidence I felt so alone an lost I was at the age to where I was looking for love and would do anything to gain it. I was about 14 when I met a boy who would changed my whole life some for the better and some for the worse. His name was Dustin. Dustin was my first kiss my first love I lost my virginity to him on my 15 birthday. He was everything to me. We did everything together I loved him so much it hurt. We were together off an on through tour high school he thought me a lot about my self an about love. He also introduced me to the world of alcohol sedans drugs. I used it to escape the many years of pain and abuse. By the end of my senior year Dustin and I broke up and I went on a downward spiral drinking heavily parting I gave up on school. I failed two classes so I wasn’t able to graduate on time an at that point I didn’t care. I had every intention to give up and drop out then I found out July that I was pregnant with my first child. It was then that I decided I needed to change my life. I enrolled back into school and was determined to finish before my son was due in March. I started school in October things felt right I thought I was finally going to be okay. I was doing great passingly classes baby was doing growing good. That changed for the bad very quick shortly after I hit 29 weeks my appendix burst an I was rushed into surgery. I have issues with Being put sleep. after they took the tube out of my throat I had thrown up and suck it all back in. A few hours after surgery I was in my bed an my monitors started going off the babies heart rate was dropping an I was struggling to breath. That’s when the dr discovered both my lungs had completely filled with fluid an I was placed on life support. I had flat lined and coded a total of 6 times I was barely clinging to life the drs decided to take the baby emergency c section. December 22 2006 at 4:32pm my sweet handsome 3lb 5oz baby boy was born. At the time I was in a coma an fighting to stay alive. After 4 days of being in ICU I was finally well enough to be taken off the ventilator. It was at this time is when I was told that I had a beautiful tiny but healthy baby boy. I begged to see him but sadly I was still in icu an wasn’t able to leave. The next day was Christmas morning I was moved to a different room an my nurse asked me if I wanted to shower eat then see my baby I told her “NO I want to see my baby now” so off went went. She wheeled me to the NICU where I was finally able to see my tiny baby. Holding him an looking into his eyes It was right then I knew what I was here for I was meant to be this little boys mommy and I was going to be the best mom I could ever be. The next 8 weeks we’re very hard having to leave my baby in the hospital going home empty handed but I kept my eye on my goal. I finished school three days before my baby came home from the NICU I was so proud of my self an so happy that I could just focus on caring for my boy. That’s what I did. For the first two years I really didn’t date or do anything else but work and care for my boy. I tried to rekindle things with Dustin but sadly it didn’t work out he was still on drugs and I couldn’t have my baby around that. It broke my heart cause I loved him so much still. I always felt that one day him an I would be together. Fast forward a little bit to a few days before thanks giving our house caught fire and burn down we lost everything. It was a devastating blow. We had to live in a hotel for a few months while we tried to get our life back together. During this time I started dating someone who I thought was a great man we dated for a long time he was very nice and loving at first. That changed after the first two years he became very abusive n would beat me and my son n there was nothing I could do to stop him. I found out I was pregnant with his son an things just got worse. He started using heroine an black out beat my son an choke me knowing I was pregnant. I’m surprised I didn’t lose the baby. That pregnancy of course had its own set of complications he was born on time thought. The night my second son and I were released from the hospital his dad decided to go our drinking leaving me alone to care for a new born and a three year old just after having a c section. I told my self I can do this I am a strong mother of two beautiful handsome boys and I can do this I don’t need his help. The day and night went smooth little to no issues until I went to climb into bed with baby in my arms my foot slipped and I felt my stitches pop and the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know what to do my sons father took my car my phone an what little money I had to go party. When he finally got home he was in a very bad mood I begged him to help me instead he pushed me an hit me. He continued to abuse me an my children. I moved out but he had me so mentally broken that I could hardly look at my self in the mirror. Late one night he asked me to come over so we could talk that was a big mistake. He had m come over just to hold me down and let his friends sexually assault me. I left there feeling so low so dirty that I decided I couldn’t take it any more. I went home I swallowed a bottle of my antidepressants the plan was to put my kids to bed read them a book an goto sleep my self and never wake up. The pills had hit me quicker than I anticipated I fell to the floor. My oldest son found me barley-breathing. I spent three days in icu due to my kidneys shutting down and when I was better I decided I needed to check my self in the psych unit and get my self help. I’m so thankful I did it truly saved my life and I was able to deal with all my demons even though I still going through all the verbal n emotional abuse from my mother I was able to handle it or so it seemed. Then on February 27, 2014 my whole world came crashing down around me. Dustin My soulmate my best friend the love of my life the man I wanted to Marry the only man I ever had a real connection with was gone his demons got the best of him and he hung himself. Losing him forever put a hole in my heart so big that I just haven’t been the same since then. Iv been falling down digging my self deeper and deeper into depression. I had dated a few people since his passing and it’s all been the same story abusive, controlling I end up getting cheated up and kicked in the dirt even more. I made I promise to my boys that I would never ever put them through that again and I will never allow any one to ever hurt them ever again including my self and if I ever felt like I was going to harm my self I would reach out and get help. I have kept that promise and I don’t ever plan on breaking that ever. Now here’s the part where I explain why I love Linkin Park so much and love Chester. It was year 2000 I was a very sad depressed lonely scared 12year old girl. I was sitting in my room listening to the radio and this song came on an I remember thinking to my self wow this mans voice is amazing it gave me chills It was almost like they were speaking to me. After the song played I figured out it was a new band named Linkin Park and that song was called “one step closer”. I was hooked from that day forward I took to the internet trying to find out as much info I could about this amazing new band. I had turn into an LP soldier at the age of 12 I was always listening to them when I was angry sad happy or whatever I couldn’t ever get enough. Chester and his voice just has away of making everything better and gave me hope. Here I am today 29 years old I still listen and love LP and proud that my children also share this love. The day of Chester passing literally hit me as hard if not harder then the passing of my beloved Dustin. Now my heart has an ever bigger hole an filled with even more sadness. I can honestly say that being apart of this amazing LPFAMILY has truly helped me in ways I never thought possible. I am so honored and proud to an LP soldier. I love each and everyone of you and wish I could hug you all and hope to meet you all one day. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.